(As published on meronymofmeroe on the 21st of November, 2011)
Dear President Goodluck Jonathan,
My name is Yomi Smart. Bimpe (my wife) says I’m incapable of rational thought because I’m a drunk. Silly rabbit, what does she know? Sadly, a prophet has no honour in his own house. But all my friends can confirm that I give the best of advice when under the influence. Also, my wife thinks you are a hypocritical politician – you have my permission to arrest her. On the other hand, I still see you as a leader who can jump start some necessary change in Nigeria. I hope you do!
Four years ago, I called my wife and her kids for a family meeting. I say “her kids” because I’m not sure they are my kids. There are two reasons for this suspicion. Firstly, none of those kids look like me or my parents. I am fair and handsome; all four kids are dark and ugly. Imagine Iyabo Obasanjo claiming that Donald Duke is her father – some things don’t just fit. Secondly, my wife has run away from me four times. She’d claim I mistreat her, pack her bags and move to her father’s house. Only to come back months later to say she’s pregnant. Unbelievable! But that’s how all four kids came. The last one looks so much like my father-in-law’s driver.
As I was saying, we had a ‘family’ meeting four years ago. The agenda for the meeting was to announce cuts in the ‘housekeeping’ funds (feeding money) I give my wife. This became imperative because of the burden of her kids’ school fees, the hardship in Nigeria and the fact that I wanted to build a house in my village. I also suggested that we change schools for the children to save money. Everybody in the family rejected the proposal; Bimpe almost started a coup in that house. Even Beratti (my first son) suggested that instead of cutting the family budget I should spend less money on Alcohol, Parties and Strange Women. I’m sure his mother planted those thoughts in his head. Well, I flogged the devil out of him. After the initial outcry – they all got used to it. I am the head of the family; I know what’s best for everybody!
I’m sure you’re wondering what the prestigious office of the president has to do with my family politics. Here is the connection: I made life difficult for my family in order to save funds; only to realize that my jonzing expenses increased and eroded my savings. I haven’t even started my building project in the village. Jona my brother; the corruption and inefficiency in the government are like my “destructive habits”. No matter how much funds you free up from ‘the subsidy’, those monster habits in our public institutions will waste the money. I’m neither here nor there on subsidy. But this I know: he that is unfaithful with little will be unfaithful with much.
On a famzing note, how is Dame Patience and the children? Recently Obama banned his kids from watching ‘keeping up with the kardashians’ on television. I think you should do the same. Also ban BBA and strange music videos in your home – these moves will preserve your kids’ innocence. Personally, I solved these problems by selling my television set. Say me well to the first lady; tell her that my wife’s a big fan; we miss her unique approach to the use of English. Best Wishes. Long live Naija!
(Aka Yomi “the drunk”)