‘”Go ye therefore into the world and teach my gospel,” that kinda thing was what the Lord told us and the disciples. Going to all corners of the world, you’ll agree with me sir, has become difficult without a private jet especially for us Pastors. That is the reason I’m addressing this love letter to you (note sir, not to your office as President of the country sir).
Please, kindly disregard the advent and roles played by the ubiquitous social media in connecting anyone with the rest of the world from the recesses of his/her room. In fact, the social media rather extends the reach of Pastors, hence more work need to be done. In the fulfillment of our mandate as Pastors, there’s the need to get physical (You know what I mean not sensually and if your thought is sensual, then you may need my pastoral intervention) with the members of the globe who might have been ‘blessed’ by our messages on the social media or cable televisions across board.
In light of this, our association, the CAN (the Churchgoers Assembly of Naija), has unanimously admitted the importance of Private Jets in church ministry as a sine qua non. On a lighter note sir, it’s now very correct in our circle to assume that private jets preach the gospel; without a private jet, no one will take you serious as a pastor. No wonder my colleagues do anything to possess these jets in numbers. Humbly sir, I do not have any yet and I am worried. However, I will not steal, cheat or kill to get one for my ministry; never. Please sir read on and do not mind my frequent use of sirs; it shows the huge respect I have for you sir. Thank you sir.
Your excellency sir, the 2015 Presidential voting spree is near and the bubble has burst of your clandestine move to stock up weapons against the elections. Everyone is talking about it that way even though I do not believe that your intention to purchase the weapons was meant to slaughter Nigerians. I’ve been thinking sir of what it is you probably needed the weapons for but at the time of this writing, I’m yet to come up with a good reason sir. You do not have to provide me any reason; I know you are a good man and I believe the weapons must be meant for the military to secure the people of Nigeria now and always. Thank you sir. I do not agree and I do not want to think about it but it is my responsibility to also inform you what the people are saying. Some are saying the weapons are for the militants of the Niger Delta since one of their leaders was said to be on board the Jet; they are saying the weapons would be used for offence or defense, whichever is appropriate in your reckoning. Whatever be the case sir, be assured I always rose to your defense. Yes sir *bows respectfully, Yes sir.
However, from me to you sir, be reminded that many of the northern elements are not resting on their oars. In speech and action, they have consistently meted out violence, with no pretensions to their do-or-die ambition for the Presidential mandate come 2015. No stones are being left unturned sir. And I will not expect any stones to be left unturned by us too sir. I imagine I work for you already with the magnitude of followership I can bring to your fold sir.
This is the one reason I appreciate your strategic effort at using my colleague’s private jet to procure weapons with the famous 9.3 million dollars in South Africa. I also gathered that that particular private jet was specially purchased for him by you sir.
I also need a private jet. It doesn’t have to be purchased in the name of your office sir; your person will do. Though several years ago, you had no shoes, but now, I am certain you have more than enough to buy me as many jets as I may need in two lifetimes. If you can buy me just one sir, sir; I mean sir, I will be very very subservient to your authority as a single man, not even as the President. I’ll announce it was a generous donation from members of my church for the work of the ministry. That way, things can be kept secret and quite personal.
How will that be of service? You leave that to me. Just buy it and stock it with whatever amount of money you need to change for weapons. I’ll deliver the weapons to wherever you want them delivered without a hitch. The boys you made use of earlier were not smart and were not close enough to their god to draw down his grace for a successful duty to their motherland, the land given by god to them to inherit. I even wonder sir, why anyone will go to South Africa to buy weapons. It’s likely they were intent on defrauding you sir. Watch out next time. But for me and my household, we believe in god and we have no doubt in our hearts that you will lead our country to the promised land.
I believe you will kindly give my request a thorough consideration. Please, accept my warm gratitude as I await your favourable response. To get in touch sir, please drop a message with Adamu your gateman. He is a church member of mine. Thank you sir and lead on.
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Irony of Asari Dokunbo?